This blog is very contrast to the other ideas I’ve written on. *warning not edited
Let me just put it out there – I believe no one in this world enjoys the feeling of being used, even those who acknowledge that others use them and are too afraid to pull away because their own fears. For those who understand that they treat people this way, how dare you. Your inability to even sustain the amount of respect for yourself and work through your own problems and insecurities is now to be placed on someone else to satisfy your “emotional” needs? Excuse me? You’ll never find satisfaction that way.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand. Oh, I understand. While I recognize the methods of controlling, I have my very own “string-pulling.” We want to change our ways? Start with acknowledging and taking responsibility with how we make others feel. Then apologize. It’s the right thing to do. There are no sides here. The controlling ways we have to manipulate and to twist things around are just as messed up as the person who thinks too little of themselves to continuously let us do it. We are all human, all broken, all sinful. So where do we as humanity go from here?
Recognize the power we have to control with our “should,” breaking communication, intimidating, or our making another feel guilty for not meeting our personal needs. Also, because people don’t buy into us doesn’t mean their uncaring of us or cruel. If a person doesn’t do something we want them to do doesn’t mean they deserve the silent treatment or disrespect. Positions such as mother, father, son, and daughter are not meant to be used as punishment (i.e., “If you don’t meet my expectations, then I will not show you any affection.”).
Maturity demands that we lay bare before God our need to control and that we begin the process of trusting the One who is in ultimate control. God wants to heal and restore how we seek love and attention by coming to him. Here are some common beliefs:
• “I am accepted only because of what I do.”
• “I have value only if my work is acceptable.”
• “I have worth only if I please others.”
Beliefs such as these cause the people manipulated to defend and be consumed by the manipulation. They will defend the relationship, not want to change, become angry, and will eventually loose independence.
If we assume that we must meet all the needs and fulfill the expectations of someone else—then we are depending too much on our self. We are taking the role that God alone should have.
“This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.… But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.’ ” (Jeremiah 17:5, 7)
The root belief people feel is “I must have the approval of others in order to feel good about myself.” The right belief is “I must not live for the approval of others, but instead I realize that God will meet all my inner needs because He accepts me totally and loves me unconditionally.”
God wants all of us to know that we can find love and security in him. Breaking free of being the controller and person being controlled is painful and hard. If this is true of you, seek help from friends and God’s word. Learn to build healthy relationships.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)